I am so fucking stressed out right now I can't hardly stand it. All I do is work, dance, eat, and sleep, that is the extent of my existence. I am doing everything I can, I am going full speed twelve hours out of the day, and yet people still keep pushing me. My whole fucking life everyone has always expected me to be better, smarter, and fast at everything. The harder I work, the more people push me. I don't have anything more to give, but still people demand more of me. I'M NOT A FUCKING MACHINE! I hate it, but giving up isn't an option, nor is slowing down. I know there are people out there who do far more then I do, but this is my limit, I can't do any more. I never feel like I get enough sleep, I'm starting to get headaches again, and I never feel like eating (I hate having to force myself to eat, it's nauseating every fucking day). I'm tired and frustrated.

It’s been kind of a rocky week, but definitely better then last week. Monday wasn’t as productive as I hoped it would be. I got out of the house, did a fair bit of errands, and I went to Corvallis to visit with Travis and got to hang out with his girlfriend and his roommate. So, not much studying, but I did more then just sit and think all day. Tuesday wasn’t much better in the way of studying. But I was productive in other ways (for example, finally getting my modem and routers to be friends again). Wednesday however, I finally was able to sit down, focus, and study. I think I read for about six hours, it totally fried my brain but it felt good to be able to do that. Yesterday started off well, I ran a few errands, went to my psychiatrist, and went to dance class. After dance class though, I kind of wigged, and I am still not sure as to why. Normally after class I would hang out and chat with everyone, but I suddenly had a desperate need to get out of there. I got my stuff, changed my shoes, and got the fuck out of there. Then I sat in my car for about five minutes while I had a panic attack. I don’t know what caused it, but it got me all tweaked out. So I came home, changed into jammies, took some seroquel, and went for a drive. I basically drove in a very big circle, I had my music blaring, and I was singing at the top of my lungs for about an hour and a half. I felt better afterwards, but I still wasn’t able to concentrate when I got home. I ended up stretching for a bit, meditated, and tried to call it an early night because I had to take Jason to work today, but I couldn’t sleep for nothing.

Today is much better. I wanted to get up early, but due to my inability to sleep last night, I got up as late as I could, rolled out of bed, and went to go pick Jason up from Serenity Lane. We had a good chat on the way, he is doing much better, he feels great, and he is embracing the outpatient therapy. He actually told me that he looks forward to going to his meetings, and that they are really helping. I am so fucking relieved. He looked healthy, clear-headed, and almost peaceful. He also really enjoys the support that he is getting from everyone at Serenity Lane. The only thing that he is struggling with is the whole higher power part. Personally I wouldn’t be able to do it, I am a hard-core atheist, and although Jason hasn’t really believed in god for several years, he feels that he is going to need a belief in something to get through this. Even though I don’t agree with it (for me anyway), if he needs it I will be fully supportive. After I got home I took a shower and what not, and then settled in for more studying. I have a decent dint made into property and casualty (which is my last unit, woo hoo… but that’s just the first time read through, without actual memorizing type of studying). I also scheduled my exams. Life and health will be on May 5, and property and casualty will be on May 12, everybody wish me luck.

Kelli is on her way over here, we are going to have a girls’ night. Travis wants us to go to some concert in Corvallis with him, but I don’t think I am really in a mood to go to a concert. I was thinking that we should go to the dance at Staver’s. I talked to Kelli about it briefly; I really think it would be more fun for both of us. But I know Travis wants to visit with Kelli, so we will probably head to Corvallis after we have had our fill of dancing. Tomorrow I will study, than dance my but off. And I am hanging out with Travis on Sunday. Now it’s off to tango, oooo la la.